Humotropy

So, you may have noticed that I have not been blogging for the past many many weeks.  Yes, bad me.  In my mind, though my hiatus makes complete sense and while I know that an explanation is both unnecessary and likely unproductive, I want to anyway.

About two and a half weeks ago, I defended my Ph.D. thesis.  Hooray for me!  Having this task behind me - over and done with - is elation defined.  I feel like a different person, not necessarily smarter or more capable, but free.  My graduate experience has been a mixed bag of emotional highs and lows.  Whatever highs I have had come directly from my friends and family.  The lows, though, came from seemingly everywhere, not least of which from my divorce at a particularly inopportune time.

My response to the difficulty I faced, which was not necessarily technical in nature, was to sequester myself.  I felt isolated to begin with, so to extend my detachment was both easy and inviting.  I stopped participating in my departmental meetings (for which the Chair of the program outlined, in detail, all the great things I missed).  I stopped interacting with my family.  I stopped projecting myself online (social sites and blogs).  I was lonely and, twisted it may sound, I wanted to be more lonely.  I doubt this is what people would call a healthy response and, looking back, I can see the seeds of regret forming already for all my missed friendships and comiseration.  I was quite depressed, ex-wifey was right.

You see, aside from sabotaging my chances at happiness, part of my depression took the form of an intense embarrasement.  I was embarassed to still be in school, I was embarassed about the quality of my work and I was embarassed about my reaction to being embarassed.  I must say, though, graduating does seem to help.

So, I’m getting better.  I’m feeling better. I’ve started writing again and I’m not trying to hide my accomplishments.  I want to write here more.  I want to project myself more.  I’m tired of being sequestered and isolated.  Keep me honest here.